Today finds me still in Olympia after much visiting with family and friends. The rain was cold, dark and wet this morning which coincidentally did not inspire one to jump back out onto Interstate 5 so here I am, having a quiet day at my second home. Lunch was had at Mini Saigon (best hot & sour soup and spring rolls ever!) and now with my belly full I found myself having a bit of a contemplative afternoon.
I awoke early this morning in a near panic with the realization that I have not yet painted the "horizon starts right here" painting, and nor would I be able to in time to submit to Illustration Friday unless I got home to the studio today. Sadness gripped me - sadness at letting myself down yet still not wanting to leave here to return to Seattle and her cold wet concrete.
I also just finished two books in the last two days that looked at the artistic struggle and process: The Worst Thing I've Done by Ursula Hegi and Frida Kahlo: Behind the Mirror. Quite some thick heavy reading - no wonder I'm contemplative.
I told Andy at lunch that I wished my studio was right here and that I didn't have a day job to worry about. In eager hope, I returned to his house and checked our Powerball tickets that my Dad had given us in our stockings for Christmas. Alas, no luck.
Why is this balance so hard? Why do I have such a hard time throwing myself into these paintings that my muse teases me with when I can feel the deadline of studio clean up time approaching? As in, I don't have unlimited time so I might as well not start at all? That sucks. I really need to get over it. I know what must be done but still, I cringe. I hesitate. I struggle. I pine for unlimited freedom as I'm sure we all do.
This vacation right now is so completely bittersweet for so many reasons. How to let go and just be?